Rants in the Pants, Episode 5

Episode 5

I am confused and I’ll bet you are too. If you aren’t, then something is wrong.

My confusion, and possibly yours as well, started four or five years back when Portland, Oregon was still a city and not a disaster area. I was wandering the downtown area when I saw a bunch of people parading down the sidewalk in their pajamas. Yes, in their pajamas. Well, that struck me as odd, but I wrote it off to the famed idiosyncratic nature of the city. It wasn’t but a few minutes more when the sidewalks were filled with a large group of people dressed in tuxedos complete with canes and top hats. I shrugged and thought that was to balance out the previous bunch. I never figured on what would happen next: The sidewalks were crowded with a very large and active group of people in animal suits. Tails wagged, ears wobbled and whiskery noses twitched as some were even down on all fours. I was dumbfounded. I could take a little eccentric behavior of someone going out in public in a tux or their PJs, but these people seemed to identify as animals and it discombobulated me.

Jump a few years to this year and I am even more confused. Follow me here because it’s going to get difficult.

Being a man if I take my shirt off in public no one will care. If a woman should do the same, it’s exposing herself and that’s against the law and our mores. Are you still with me? I know this is a little confusing, but the most mixed-up part is coming.

Recently they had a Pride celebration at the White House. I have nothing against gay people or any differences between people for that matter because we are all still people. However, what happened twisted my shorts. Three people took their shirts off. Two were women who identified as men and both were showing the scars of their mastectomies. The third was a male identifying as a female who showed off a pair of breasts any woman would have been proud to sport. Who got arrested? Any guesses? The man was indeed a man as any examination of his chromosomes would have attested. I thought men could take off their shirts in public. The women were not arrested even though they were women genetically and had their shirts off. Genetically speaking, the women should have been arrested but they identified as men and had removed their titties so they weren’t. This leads me to believe that it’s the titties they arrested and because they were attached to someone, that person had to come along to jail. If they had been detached titties out for a strolling downtown, they could have been arrested with no person associated. That, I can assure you, will never happen because they can’t wander about with no person attached.

We still haven’t come to a rock-solid conclusion on why the man was arrested and not the women. In fact, this incident and the animal people encounter raises a host of questions. Why is this happening? Do people hate their bodies? Are the sexes jealous of one another? Is it, like Robert Kennedy has suggested, the chemicals in the food, water and beauty products? I also must add, since the media have jumped on this bandwagon, is this media driven and if so to what purpose? What about the host of laws being passed both for and against 12-year-olds being able to make a decision to have life altering surgery without even consulting their parents?

My friends and fans, despite being an expert, I have no answers to these questions. If you have some, please leave them in the comments section. My head is spinning so I will just leave this whole mess in your lap while I get a drink and take a nap.

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