Rants in the Pants, Episode 4

My favorite subject is food. I like to eat. Give me a bag of chips and some dip and I’ll be as happy as a cat in a box factory. While you are at it, lay on me one of those frozen pizzas and a liter of my favorite soft drink.

I used to be a food inspector when I was younger. Yes, I inspected all the food Mom put on my plate looking for things that could ruin my feasting experience: Liver, Brussels sprouts, broccoli, peas, carrots, green beans, etc. If she did not include a large pile of chips and a soda, I wouldn’t eat a thing. But I wouldn’t go hungry because I always had a stash of candy, chips and sodas in a place Mom would never think to look. Until she did. Then I was temporarily out of luck.

I didn’t let that stop me though. I decided to go into farming. I dug up some ground and planted some chips for chip bushes and some candy bars for candy bar trees. I would have planted a soda, but I got hot digging all those holes and pulling all those weeds and drank it. I kept that patch of mine watered and weeded for weeks and guess what? Nothing came up. I know it has to be a conspiracy to control the food supply and that they did something to keep the chips and candy from growing before they put them in those brightly colored bags and wrappers. In the end, I gave in and dug it all up hoping to find all this food growing underground where I wasn’t looking. All I found was a mess.

I am so happy to be an adult now. All I have to do is go to the store and stock up on soda, candy and chips. They have those red-hot cheese puffs now that are simply delicious. I might also add a frozen pizza or a tv dinner to that for more bulk. In fact, I find myself eating more and more of this stuff as if it were addictive, but that would be silly to think it is. Also, I don’t have a lack of vitamins as everything my body needs is in these foods along with bright colors, preservatives (that will preserve me better than my dad), and flavor enhancers like tiny amounts of what they call GRAS or generally regarded as safe. Don’t know what the exact chemicals are but the government says they are safe and that’s good enough for me.

Eat what you like to eat. Eat the stuff in those brightly colored wraps and containers. Don’t worry about whether or not you are getting your vitamins because they are all soaked in them before they get to you. Don’t worry about all those diseases they say you are going to get by not eating broccoli. Yuck! Just follow my lead and eat it all. I must admit I have gained a couple of pounds since I turned 30; about 100 lbs. would be a good estimate. However, I will exercise it off- as soon as I get the time. You can too!

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