Rants in the Pants, Episode 35- Don’t Eat the Beans

What does this article have to do with the price of beans? If you stick to the end, I’m sure you will figure it out.

My steak and hamburger have been hanging on the edge of danger since they decided to move us away from meat and serve bugs, fake meat, and lab grown meat on our plates. My mind shifted into overdrive to think of a solution to stop this from happening. It’s possible that if you prevent the methane from being farted out, there will be no reason to get rid of meat animals. An idea started to form in my mind.

After I read an article stating that our pets, especially our dogs, fart methane, too, my mind did a double flip. The article said the WEF (World Economic Forum). (Who the hell elected these people at the WEF, WHO, and all these other alphabet groups who tell us how we will live?) proclaimed pets emit too much methane. Because of this and the pawprint our pets make just living, they want us to get rid of them. I felt like I was smacked hard, right in the solar plexus. I jetted over to Google to see if this was true. Three sites at the top of the first page said that the article was hooey: Fact Check, Reuters, and PolitiFact. Knowing that these sites always get everything right, at least for the moment, I was a little relieved. They’re experts, you know. Yet, knowing the way things are, it did seem a future possibility, so I doubled down on my efforts to create a solution.

I originally planned my solution for cows, but I figured I could downsize it later to fit pets. I’m not sure how cats would feel about wearing the contraption. People might be able to use it in a pinch, but the space it uses might cause crowding in elevators. I call it the BBMSM- Butt Bubble Methane Sequester Machine. Basically, it captures farts and compresses them into a cylinder that can be easily removed and replaced. The machine is positioned on the posterior using a series of nylon straps with Velcro fasteners. With slight alterations to your gas stove, the methane in the cylinders is available for cooking. It’s also great when used for heating as well. I even adapted some of the cylinders to fit my pellet gun for target practice.

I twisted the arm of a friend of mine who owns some cows until he let me borrow one of his cows for a trial run. Boy was I stoked when I saw how well it worked. In just a couple of days I captured enough methane to power my pellet gun for target practice. My friend was happy, too, because he worried the globalists would exterminate his herd to save the earth. That was the argument I used to persuade him to lend me one of his cows. Worked like a charm!

Well, the next thing on the agenda was to prepare the paperwork for a patent which I hastily submitted to the patent office. It seemed to take forever, but after the wait, I received a letter from the office. To my dismay, they denied the application saying there was already a patent for a machine just like mine. There are no words that can describe my disappointment.

After I finished feeling sorry for myself, I decided to look up the patent and see who owned it. The research took some time, but I finally found the schematics and everything. It looked almost like my machine! What the heck? Was there a traitor among my friends and family? Did the Deep State quietly break in and photograph my plans? Or were they able to just suck them out of my head (I heard DARPA has been working on reading minds for years)?

So, I checked out the patent holder and the name printed there turned out to be the name of a shell company without the time to answer their phone so I could ask who owned them.

Well, since my rejection at the patent office, I’ve been thinking. First of all, I think Bill Gates or another of those rich guys owns the patent for my machine and they won’t bring it into production unless it’s too expensive for the average person to buy. Second, cows fart, and they want to get rid of them. Pets fart and I’m sure they are next. Third, who else farts and what do you think they will do with them?

We might be able to put this off, so my advice to all of you out there is- don’t eat the beans.


  1. Taylor Paine on July 12, 2024 at 12:45 pm

    I’m not sure what I was expecting when I looked up your site…. But boy was I pleasantly surprised! What a highly entertaining well written rant. Also they don’t call beans “the musical fruit” for nothing 😉

    your favorite dental assistant.

    • Ira White on July 12, 2024 at 3:01 pm

      Thank you, Taylor, for visiting my site and commenting. I’m very happy you enjoyed your visit and hope you will return and maybe tell someone you think would appreciate it about my rants.

  2. Paul D on July 11, 2024 at 9:44 pm

    I respectfully disagree with your assessment of global warming, Ira. It is the greatest the greatest existential threat to the biosphere. The data clearly shows causation from anthropogenic sources. No question CO2 is needed for photosynthesis. The problem is that the sheer amount of CO2 being released into the atmosphere exceeds the biological uptake. Otherwise, it would not be a non-issue. Geologic evidence shows a direct correlation between rising CO2 and rising global temperatures. Moreover, the CO2/rising temperature/fossil fuel use graphs show direct correlation. The warming is now expressing itself in ways that are just being understood. Desiccating soils (triggered by droughts associated with rising global temperatures and changing climactic patterns) have recently been identified as a huge source of CO2. Recent studies show how desiccating soils fracture exposing organic carbon to oxidation. Another new phenomenon is Alaskan rivers are turning yellow as once frozen (sequestered in permafrost) carbon is exposed to weathering and previously bound metals are mobilizing and polluting streams. The more global temperatures rise, the more yet to be realized physical effects we are likely to see.

    I agree wholeheartedly that more “traditional” pollutants need to be addressed. There is no excuse for pollution. But in my opinion the climate crisis is the elephant in the room and the refusal of western nations to take ownership of it (because they are the primary historical source of carbon production) and to address it and not defer taking action because “developing countries” are not doing their part is disingenuous.

  3. Paul D on July 11, 2024 at 11:02 am

    …but I Like beans, Ira…😩
    …it is likely better for people and the ecosystem if people reduced the amount of red meat eaten…people because of the link between red meat and cancer…ecosystem because the profit-driven society has an insatiable need to increase its operations and that means clearing more land for cattle grazing and cutting forests…but that is not the foundation of my commentary.

    The world governments and their oligarch rulers need to curtail military spending. The US spends on its military three times more than the next nation (China) spends, and TEN times more than Russia. The US military easily dwarves Russia and China with its more than 800 military bases (70 countries) around the globe many of which are illegal (e.g., Syria). Moreover, it is noteworthy that in addition to the
    official” military installations, every US foreign embassy also is a CIA operations base. It is the military that is the main contributor to climate CO2 emission. Thought the US government does not release that data because it is “classified”. The problem is not cows or beans or encouraging people to recycle cardboard boxes. The problem is an unrestrained US military that is literally destroying the current world and the world for future generations.

    • Ira White on July 11, 2024 at 12:09 pm

      Thank you for your response. I think you have correctly identified the biggest problem- the US military pollutes more than almost everyone combined. Do we really need all those military bases? Are we in such a condition as to fear a takeover by another government? Is military intelligence intellegent? The answer to all these questions is “no.”
      I would take issue with your Climate argument in that CO2 is needed for plants to grow and we need the manure those animals produce to fertilize the land. That’s how this planet has evolved. However, there is a problem when you grow your animals in factory farms and the waste piles up in one place. Also, I am not convinced that global warming, which was hastily changed to climate change after Florida and New York City failed to submerge on schedule, is a man made event. For one thing, CO2 only makes up .02% of the atmosphere. How can lowering it bring about any meaningful change? If we want to make the earth more livable, how about we concentrate on the pollution caused by bombs and other ammunition both when they are made and when they are used? How about we concentrate on the pollution emitted by factories that are currently not responsible for what they do to the land, air, and water? What if we stopped all the weather alteration experiments going on and forbid the expulsion of aluminum, barium, and other dangerous chemicals into the atmostphere? We have a lot of work to do.

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