Rants in the Pants, Episode 33- Better Than Bugs

Now I know you all are already enjoying eating the bugs. I like the ones that are made into a breakfast cereal much like Rice Krispies. So good with maggot milk! But the fake meat isn’t bad either though I like the lab grown meat better. Well, have I got news for you. There is something even more delicious on the horizon and it’s not chemtrails.

I have a buddy on the inside. I can’t tell you his name, but trust me, he’s an expert on this stuff and works in a lab that’s making tasty things for you and me to chow down on. He was telling me that they cut off water to 500,000 acres of planted food crops in Idaho.

“Those crops will die,” I said, “Then what will we eat?”

He told me that we need power to go green and for our destructive military machines as well as food. “Power and food are about to merge,” he said.

“What about those farmers?” I asked. “Won’t they go bankrupt and lose their farms?”

“Yes, and some pain is likely with every new change. They will probably file a suit for compensation in court. A few years down the road they will get something for the loss of their farms,” he answered.

“What about the water?” I asked. “The aquafer is pretty full after all the rain this year.”

“Oh, they’re gonna suck all that water up.”

“What for?”

“They need all that water to mine for cobalt,” he informed me. “There’s an Australian company, Jervis Mining, there that has a cobalt mine they had to close on account of not enough profit. Well, the government decided they need that cobalt, so they gave them $15 million to open it up. The Defense Department also threw in another $4 billion or so.”

I was confused. What the heck did cobalt have to do with it all? My friend told me that they needed cobalt for batteries and that mine was the best bet in the USA for cobalt. When I asked him what the heck all of this had to do with food, he told me that his lab was working on making the batteries so that when they can’t be recharged, you could eat them. Wow! He went on to tell me that since they were killing off all the cows and chickens because of the bird flu, people would be missing the taste of their favorite meat. The edible batteries would take care of that because they found a way to make them taste like beef or chicken.

My head was spinning. The possibilities of this were endless. My friend said that they were real close and only had a couple of things to work out. One was the bite. The batteries had to be chewable. The other was the fact that sometimes they explode and even though that would be a tiny risk with an expired battery, it wouldn’t look good if peoples’ food exploded on their plate.

 I have confidence that if anyone can do it, my friend and the rest of the experts at his lab will come up with an answer to make batteries fully palatable. I only wish they would go for the gold and make them taste like chocolate instead of chicken.


  1. Paul D on June 25, 2024 at 10:38 am

    Well bless your heart, Ira! I’m famished so hand me an Everready Alkaline… 🔋🪫😋

    • Ira White on June 25, 2024 at 10:59 am

      They haven’t been approved as safe by the FDA or the USDA, but I’m certain the approval will come soon.

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