Rants in the Pants, Episode 27-Chocolate

Hi. I’m Ira. I’m a chocoholic.

It’s been a long road and I’m still on it. I was doing well until last night I was flipping through my Facebook feed when I saw a picture of a plate of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies someone had posted. It triggered me to rush into the kitchen and bake up a batch with extra chips. I devoured them all. Didn’t even leave one cookie to have with my coffee in the morning. I had to get up at 4 am to bake another batch so I’d have one with my coffee. I ate them all, too. I’m a sorry mess. But that was a tasty breakfast.

I’ve heard some people say they would take this or that intravenously they liked it so much. I won’t have any part of intravenous chocolate for three reasons. 1. Chocolate does not go through a needle easily. 2. I don’t like needles. 3. Most importantly, my tongue would be bypassed, and I wouldn’t get to taste that lovely flavor. Needles are definitely out!

I can suck down a quart of chocolate milk without taking a single breath. A bar of chocolate, especially the dark kind, will disappear before you know it. Chocolate ice cream is Hoovered up like it was nothing. Chocolate cake with a dark chocolate frosting is particularly dangerous. I like it with ice cream on top. You know which flavor.

There are many triggers for me. Mention of or pictures of milk, ice cream, candies, cakes, cookies or Easter bunnies will trigger my cravings. If there is none around, I will go into fits. If there is some present, I will eat it all. Sorry, there wasn’t enough for you.

The lock-down was particularly difficult for me. I hadn’t prepared well. No chocolate. When I finally got to the store, someone had arrived before me and bought all the chocolate. I was apoplectic. My body and mind went into a paroxysm. It took the manager, the checker, and two customers to hold me down so I didn’t destroy any more empty chocolate displays. I was lucky my lawyer got me off with just a fine and restitution.

After the lock-odown was over, I had a talk with my investment manager. He told me I had to do something with all the dollars I had in the bank because the dollar was going to tank soon. I took his advice to heart. I went out and bought a decade worth of chocolate. Later, I saw an article on the internet that said there is a problem with the cacao trees chocolate comes from. There was mention of the possibility that in the future there might not be much cacao produced from them due to global warming and a disease striking the orchards. A shortage. There would be a shortage of chocolate. One part of me smiled because I owned so much chocolate. The other part cried. There would be no more.

That smiley part of me stopped smiling when I read an in-depth article on chocolate and found out that it turned bad after a year. I felt like I’d been hit by a speeding semi full of chocolate. How could our creator be so harsh? What was I going to do with a decade worth of chocolate?

I didn’t know you could O.D. on chocolate. Luckily, my children found me, passed out on the floor with a half-eaten chocolate bar lying next to me, and rushed me to a hospital.

Here I am today, trying to put my life back together. Yes, I fell off the wagon last night, but with your help and the help of our creator, I will give it another try. Thank you for listening.


  1. Peggy Palmer on May 3, 2024 at 12:18 pm

    I was also addicted to chocolate I could not go to sleep without so Hershey’s chocolate bars. But a couple of years ago my tongue was sore and bleeding when I woke up, couldn’t figure out why. After a couple of days my tongue was so bad I couldn’t drink water so of course I couldn’t eat my Hersheys and guess what it got better so I went for my candy first and realized what was causing it. I formed an allergy to chocolate especially Hersheys. Good luck with your trying to quit it is the only thing I found gave me a problem.

    • Ira White on May 3, 2024 at 8:03 pm

      Thank you for wishing me good luck on my addiction. I hope you continue to stay on the wagon, though it’s a shame you are now allergic.

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