Rants in the Pants, Episode 25-Double Reverse Immigration

I was watching a clip of great football plays the other day. They were some of the most successful plays made in the last couple of years. My eyes looked at the screen, but my mind wasn’t on it. I kept thinking about those thousands of illegal immigrants flowing across the border, put up in hotels with a cash card that renews each month, $67 a day food allowance, and a new phone…Burns my butt! Then they showed a play, a double reverse, that the Giants pulled on Green Bay resulting in Belinger scoring a touchdown. Happened back in 2022. What a play! Suddenly, the sun peeked out from behind the clouds, shot straight through my window and hit me right in the face sparking an idea on how I could profit from the immigration apocalypse. I could do a double reverse!

I figured I could sneak across the border to Mexico, get some clothes that look like I was part of the immigrants, toss my ID, and approach the US border where my rewards awaited me. How difficult could that be? I could make it more believable by staying down there awhile to brush up on my Spanish so I could sound more like an immigrant and maybe pick up some body language and gestures different than you would see in the US. I could also fill myself with tacos while I was there. MMMM!

Even though my tax dollars are paying for all of this, there was a suspicion in my mind that I might be breaking the law and if caught, face years in a penitentiary. Just to check, I called a friend of mine who does legal work.

“I think you are heading for a penalty,” he said. “Think about this: you go down there and make it back, get all the goodies, then you come home to find squatters in your house that you won’t be able to get out for years.”

“In addition, if you are caught by the government,” he went on, “it could mean a few years in prison. Not to mention the fact that you might be murdered by one of the cartel members on the way back to the US border.”

My balloon was quickly deflated. Horse-patootie! What can a taxpayer do? Besides, I really need a new phone and I instinctively know that no one is going to give me one.

It’s clear to me that if a person defrauds the government to stay alive, then they become criminals in their own rights. Might as well join up with the cartel. Does anyone know if they have a better retirement plan than the Mafia? If you know, leave a comment below.


  1. Paul D on April 17, 2024 at 3:08 pm

    Ira, Daniel Jones may have run out of the shotgun, pitched it to Barkley, who then pitched to Belinger and the rookie tight end avoiding a tackle, ran it in from the 2 yard line. However, it is important to remember that Belinger was poked in the eye a few weeks later during a game against the Jaguars. He suffered fractures of his eye socket and a torn septum. In my book that is not worth a new phone.

    • Ira White on April 17, 2024 at 3:27 pm

      You are correct. A new phone is not worth a poke in the eye. It’s not worth getting arrested for either.

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