Rants in the Pants, Episode 6

Episode 6

Gomer Pyle said, “Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what’s inside.”

I opened my box of chocolates and the one I picked had a ten-ring circus in it. I’m sure many of you know what a three-ring circus is, but did you know why they only had three rings? That’s because three things going on at once is all most people can keep up with. My ten-ring circus is beyond confusing. You just don’t know where to look next or what is the most important thing to focus on.

Let me explain.

First, you have your aliens that everyone is talking about. Alien vehicles that crashed to earth and apparently have been reverse engineered with the technology going to big companies that are making a killing off the knowledge while the military gets even more dangerous. But they have to do it because there’s an alien invasion coming. That’s enough to blow your socks off.

Then there is the ongoing debate over the age kids genitals should be removed and the transition to the opposite sex should be started. I’d say never, but that’s just me.

Ring three sports a coup attempt in Russia that was a nonstarter and got everyone all riled up.

The fourth ring features a war between Russia and the US through the Ukraine. The Ukrainian leader and all our important folks are saying we’re not in the war (which we definitely are) and we’re winning (which we definitely are not by all the signs we can clearly see). I have a little question on this: How can you be winning a war when you aren’t in it?

Did I mention the Chinese spy balloons that possibly signaled a war with China and turned out to belong to some ballooning enthusiasts? People still have their eyes in the sky on that one.

We also have the side story that Hunter is a good boy and hasn’t done anything wrong according to his dad, the president, contrary to the information on the boy’s laptop. Let’s all cry over his persecution and not blame him for the bag of coke found in the White House. That would be mean.

Ring seven has five billionaires dying in a submarine. Some people had a party over this. Five down and a couple thousand to go. But wait! There’s the possibility they faked it so they could retire to their underground bunkers while the world burns. I wouldn’t have thought a billionaire would be so stupid as to go into the depths in an uninspected tin can, so there might be something going on here but I must say I have no proof.

Speaking of the world burning, did you know we only have a couple of years left to stop it all? According to experts, Florida and New York are already nearly under water and the ice caps can’t be found. Maybe that’s why they took down the feed that showed their melting progress.

How about the one where they say we will eat bugs and lab-grown meat while cows and gardens will be illegal? All this to save the planet. Get in on the ground floor on this one. I’m sure that with all the Generally Accepted as Safe chemicals they will add to the bugs, they will not only make them tasty, but the texture will be pleasing as well.

The eighth ring is occupied by two billionaires getting ready to have a cage fight. What fun! Are you for the Zuck or the Musk? It’s going to have the greatest ratings of any event ever! Can’t wait to see these two duke it out.

Meanwhile, the ninth ring is a movie they don’t want anyone to see or talk about. Despite this and all the roadblocks they have put in the way, it’s grossing more than Indiana Jones!

And finally, we have the tenth ring. We can’t see anything because this ring has the lights out and is meant only for important people to see. You and I aren’t important, so we don’t need to see it. What is going on in the dark?

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